


"Is this enough?"

by place_spaceship



Category: NCT (Band), SM Rookies
Genre: I should learn how to tag better, Self-Worth Issues, Sexual orientation confusion, body image issues, did i even let kun talk?, i don't remember
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-20 05:53:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9478469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/place_spaceship/pseuds/place_spaceship
Summary: Donghyuck is going through way too much for a 15 Year old trainee.





	1. Light & Dark

** 2015.06.29**

** 7:15 PM **

Being a trainee was never easy for anyone. Constant weight checks, dorm checks, long days, short nights. And for the younger ones, school work. It's never been a good combination for Donghyuck. But he's cheery enough to not let things get to him so easily. 

During one of the training sessions where the members of SMROOKIES were learning their sunbae's dance routines, Donghyuck had messed up a move in Exo's Mama. Not fazed by it, he shrugged it off and joked about it soon after. The other members also laughed at his funny mistake. The only people that weren't laughing were the trainer and one Lee Taeyong, a perfectionist. Taeyong glared Donghyuck down with a look of what could only have been disgust. Eyes felt heavy on Donghyuck as he noticed his hyung's ominous stare,

"Yah~ Donghyuckie!" Taeyong started up from the front of the practice room, Donghyuck was always used to getting scolded for messing something up so it was pretty normal.

The other members just stood on and watched as the scolding had begun.

"Yes, hyung?" Donghyuck smiled because he knew exactly what was coming next,

"Why do you always joke around, you know the show is in a week, right?" Taeyong was referring to the SM Town Live World Tour IV show that was coming up in Osaka.

"Yes hyung, I'm sorry hyung, I'll work harder~" Like a script, perfectly recited for a high school play, Donghyuck replied to Taeyong's hourly scolding.

"Don't tell me, show me! Ok?" Taeyong released his glare on the 15-year-old boy,

"Yes hyung!" Donghyuck wanted to sass but knew the scolding would only last longer if he did.

And back to practice they went.

**9:04 PM**

After practice had finally finished for the day, the members could start heading back to the shared dorm. For Donghyuck, there was an up and downside of going home everyday. The upside was obviously the part about going home. But the downside to going home was that he had to share a room with none other than his first crush, Mark Lee. He hasn't told him, he probably never will but at least he was always there for him.

"We're hoooooooome~~~" A big greeting to the empty house by Johnny,

The members started shrugged their way to their own rooms probably to either sleep or pretend to sleep because even the flies know that whoever doesn't sleep is the one who cleans up the kitchen. It's usually one of the younger members that get put in that position.

"Hold it!" Taeil commanded. Everyone listens to him, just because he's the oldest, "Who's doing the kitchen?"

"I did it yesterday so it's not gonna me! Goodnight!" Jaemin rushed off to his and Jisung's room.

"Well then, who hasn't done it in a while? Jeno?" Taeil started the interrogation,

"I did it the other night hyung, Donghyuck payed me to do his night too,' Jeno growled a little. The other members chuckled a little at the fact that Donghyuck was really lazy and also the fact that Jeno actually did it.

"I payed you good money!!!" Donghyuck started to get riled up.

"You 'payed' me a half eaten fruit roll-up and 20 cents," said the certified exposer.

"So? You still did it," Donghyuck had a point.

"Stop it you two!" Taeil took authority as the hyung. "Donghyuckie, you're doing the kitchen tonight. Don't bribe anyone to do it for you either, got it?" Donghyuck was always outed by the hyungs, he had to nod in agreement. But it was ok, he was always getting teased.

Jeno left with a smug face to get in the shower before anyone else did, Taeil and Taeyong headed straight to bed. Doyoung and Jaehyun did the same. Johnny and Ten stayed in the living to watch tv for a while. Hansol, Yuta, Kun, Mark, and Jisung were making something to eat on the dining room table. 

**9:51 PM**

After the kitchen was spick and span, Hansol's protein shake mixtures put away, Taeyong's vitamins tucked away, Donghyuck could finally hobble off to bed, but just before he could get the chance to,

"Donghyuckie, come here," Johnny waved from the living room. He wanted to object and just go to bed but that really isn't how it works.

".....yes hyung?" He started, "What is it?" He sat next to his hyung on the sofa.

"You haven't seen these comments on this post have you?" The header was titled, 'Is SM really the most pristine company out there?'

Donghyuck looked confused, "What do you mean hyung?"

Johnny opened up the post on his laptop, it read:

* * *

'Is SM really still the most pristine company in the business? Look at these trainees. Isn't SM trying too hard? They even have someone from Jeju-do. There's Seventeen's Seungkwan too but at least he's funny. Why is SM trying to reach out there with who they accept as trainees? They should really just stick to finding talented people who are also pretty'

* * *

This was the first time Donghyuck had ever read a hate post about him. Unfortunately for him though, this post when viral, receiving over 4000 shares and over 1000 likes. The comments were even worse:

_'I thought SM was a flower garden? Hahahaha What's happening?"_

_"Whenever I look at Yoona unnie I always feel ugly but why do I feel pretty all of a sudden? hahahahhha"_

_"Is that baby fat on his face or is it just fat? hahahahahaaa"_

"It's alright Donghyuckie, don't worry about it, you never really do anyway," Ten tried to console him.

Donghyuck really couldn't process all of this. It was a whole post dedicated to dissing Donghyuck. It felt like his heart sank. His heart starting beating faster and he started getting nervous. He died a little on the inside, but he didn't look too good either on the outside. He instantly started to feel tears welling up in his eyes,

"No.... don't start crying! They're just haters, we all have them!" Johnny sounded like he was demanding that Donghyuck brush it off,

The tears were so close to spilling, "......goodnight hyung," almost like a whisper.

Johnny instantly regretted showing that post to him. He grunted to himself, was about to rush after Donghyuck but,

"Just leave him hyung. He won't wanna talk to anyone right now," Mark stepped in from the dining room table.

Donghyuck, with his head in his hands, was unable to see clearly so he rushed right into his bedroom door. Jeno, who had just finished showing saw it and automatically hit the floor laughing, this didn't Donghyuck's situation whatsoever.

Donghyuck slammed his door shut and jumped on to his bed, head buried in the blue pillows, balling his eyes out by this time. Why do people have to hate? He really didn't feel like he was worth it anymore. His thick skin that didn't let anything really get to him had shed. His barriers that kept out negativity collapsed in the blink of an eye. He let everything take him over. Falling deeper and deeper into this hole. Too young to understand, but old enough to know. He could only think, and not speak at that moment, "Am I really really ugly? Am I really fat? Do I deserve being here?" These questions coming out of a 15-year-old boy was quite disturbing. After thinking that the comments were right, it sent him down another hole.

After crying for what must've been at least 15 minutes, there was a knock at the door. Donghyuck, could only just hear the faint knock over his own crying. He quickly tried to pull himself together, worried that it would be one of the hyungs coming to scold him for being too loud. He brushed his hair with his fingers, wiped his tears away, turned the pillow over to hide the wet marks from the tears,

"Donghyuckie....... Are you..... are you alright?" A voice that's all to familiar said,

"Yeah yeah, I'm fine. Are you gonna come in?" Donghyuck was trying really hard to cover his pain.

The light from the hallway broke the darkness of the cold bedroom. The silhouette walked in and sat on his own bed. The worst person to be comforting Donghyuck actually.

"Donghyuckie," he started, "It really doesn't mean anything. They're always just trying to find something hate, you know that right?" Mark started speaking from his bed. The beds are so close together though, that when sitting on the edge, their knees touch each other.

"I'm fine hyung. Really, I am," but it was so obvious that he had been crying.

Mark moved beds to sit next to Donghyuck. This was when Donghyuck started up again, his heart beating faster for his crush.

Mark didn't really know what to do so he just gave Donghyuck a pat on the back and sat there with him. Donghyuck could feel himself wanting to cry again. The sobs started quietly coming back. He felt so uncomfortable crying in front on the person who he had the biggest crush on, though obviously Mark didn't know this. He started talking,

"Don't cry Donghyuckie. Just think of it as a fuel to be able to work harder and prove those haters wrong," the pats on the back started speeding up.

Donghyuck nodded. Mark was right though, he could really do something to prove himself to everyone and even himself. He was too damaged emotionally right now to answer Mark though so he just calmed himself down from all the crying and let Mark swap back to his own bed,

"It's Monday tomorrow, and we have school, you should get some sleep," Mark reminded Donghyuck.

School was the last thing Donghyuck felt like worrying about. He felt like he cried himself to sleep but it was just the thoughts that remained. He cried himself dry just minutes ago. Mark fell asleep looking at Donghyuck, hoping he was alright. He fell asleep looking at a boy going through something that nobody at that age should be going through.


	2. What becomes of the fragile

 

**2015.06.30**

**6:45 AM**

The next morning came around and Donghyuck was still stuck in self-concious mode. He didn't eat breakfast or even wanted to take a packed lunch from the stash to avoid getting fatter. He thought that this was a good start, stop eating everything. He just left the house to catch the bus to school with the other trainees that went to school, though he had already gone and left the others behind.

On his way to the bus stop, he continued thinking about the comments from the post. It got him even more sad than he already was. The only thing that could make it worse, was if one of his friends had saw the post or even commented on it. Just then, the others started catching up to him,

"Donghyuck hyung!!" There was only one person that could say that, "Wait up!!!" He stopped in his tracks because he knew it was Jisung, the only one that's young enough to not know anything about what was going on. So because of this, Donghyuck put on a fake smile,

"Jisungaaah!" He tried to cheer himself up.

"Hyung, the other hyungs say something's up with you, are you ok?" Jisung genuinely sounded worried,

Donghyuck chuckled a little, "It's really nothing, I just had a bad night last night, I'm alright." With this, Jisung instantly accepted it, not another thought. If only Donghyuck could do the same. The truth was though, that Donghyuck started thinking that they were gossiping about him, backstabbing him. 

 

**8:54 PM**

"Donghyuckie, how many times are you gonna get it wrong?!" Taeyong started up again.

"Hyung, I'm sorry, I just went blank," Donghyuck was quieter than usual, because he 

"Well wake up, the show's in six days now, we need to get it right!"

Donghyuck remembers the show. SM Town Live World Tour IV in Osaka, Japan. This could be his chance to finally prove himself. He snapped himself into concentration and after a few tries he got the moves down.

30 minutes later and the members were ready to go home. Donghyuck though, wanted to stay and practice. The other left while Taeil was left with Donghyuck,

"Are you sure you'll be alright?" Taeil asked,

"Hyung, really, I'll be fine," Donghyuck assured, quite shyly though,

"Don't come home too late," Taeil responded and he closed the practice room door.

Donghyuck decided then and then that he would practice as hard as he could and show off his hard work at the show. No more messing around.

**2015.07.01 (Show: D4)**

**2:07 AM**

Donghyuck felt all kinds of exhausted by this time, which was a good thing. It means that he had practiced hard that day. He decided that this was late enough and went home. The practice room lights were turned off and the door was shut. It was never locked just in case someone would want to come practice if they felt like it.

Upon entering the dorm, he quietly made his way to the bathroom to have a quick shower before bed. Even in the shower though, he couldn't escape the thoughts of other people's perception of him. In the mirror, he turned to the side, "Am I really fat? Maybe I should go on a diet? But there's nothing I can do about my face. I'll always be ugly," talking to himself in privacy like this was the only thing he could do. No one would want to listen to him saying all of this, nor would they probably even care.

With his gloomy mood, he made his way to bed with even more caution, so not to wake Mark up.

**6:00 AM**

Donghyuck's head was racing with the noisy alarm clock going off.

The day was the same. No breakfast, left before anyone else. The other young trainees were kinda annoyed now with Donghyuck always being sad and hard on himself.

**12:30 PM**

At lunch, the people he sat with offered food but he wouldn't eat it saying he wasn't feeling good and food made him feel queasy.

No one questioned it and just continued the lunch peacefully.

**9:32 PM**

"I'm gonna stay back again today, hyung," Donghyuck said to Taeil and Taeyong who were the only ones left as everyone already left to go home,

"Waaaaah, our Donghyuckie, finally practicing hard?! I'll believe it when I see it" Taeyong was sceptical at Donghyuck's offer to stay back.

"Don't come home too late tonight either.... wait when did you come home last night?" Taeil wondered.

Donghyuck didn't want to worry his hyungs.... "Uhhh I don't remember but everyone was asleep by then anyway,"

"Oh ok, well eat this," Taeil handed Donghyuck a muesli bar,

Donghyuck had to take it, "uh.. thanks hyung"

"We'll be going now," Taeil finished,

"Work hard Donghyuckie," Taeyong said sarcastically.

Donghyuck took it seriously though. It must the start of something new!

Just outside the practice room at that time,

"You don't really think Hyuckie's gonna practice right hyung?" Taeyong instantly disregarded Donghyuck's efforts,

"I don't know, we'll just have to see," Taeil always people the benefit of the doubt,

"Hmm, he's probably going off to secretly meet with some girls or go to a noraebang, that sounds like him," Taeyong scoffed.

**2015.07.02 (Show: D3)**

**3:30 AM**

Donghyuck was still full of encouragement. The hyungs must really think of him differently now. He felt invigorated even at this hour. He noticed the time and thought, "Wow, I'm working real hard now!! Ok, one more run through then home time!" But during his one last run through, he started feeling light-headed. He had to stop for a minute while the stars started appearing. This is a first, Donghyuck had to sit down right on the spot to stop whatever was gonna happen next from happening. He decided that this was enough and left to go home. Muesli bar long forgotten.

He didn't even take a shower coz he was scared that standing too long now would've only made things worse. He just slowly walked to, hit a couple of walls on the way but everyone was deep asleep by now, surely. He slowly sat then lay on his bed so his head wouldn't start spinning. Closed his eyes to the red digits on the alarm clock that read: 3:54 AM. Well at least he can have 2 hours of sleep.


	3. Breaking

**2015.07.02 (Show: D3)**

**6:00 AM**

The alarm clock seems to be getting louder and louder every day. But oh well. At least he's working hard.

The days couldn't get anymore repetitive at this point. No Breakfast, First to leave, No lunch, Practice.

**4:24 PM**

On the way to practice, Donghyuck was accompanied by none other than Mark Lee.

"Hyuckie, you ok? You don't talk much these days," Mark said as he was sipping on his banana milk

Oh god, now he has to speak. Finding enough energy to open his mouth and let vibrations of vocal cords omit while manipulating his tongue to make coherent sentences sounded like a lot of work at this point. "I'm just a bit tired, but I'm ok." Donghyuck felt exhausted from saying that one sentence.

"Ok then. What did you have for lunch," Mark wanted to be sure of Donghyuck's health,

"I just had what everyone else had, the cafeteria isn't that special," Donghyuck lied through his teeth. He was really drained after saying two sentences in a row.

"Well at least you're eating." Mark was falsely relieved.

Donghyuck felt kinda bad for having to lie about it, it was dumb but what other option did he have? Tell the truth and get in trouble for not looking after his body? Nope, that's not happening.

**11:42 PM**

Donghyuck messed up a step in Exo's Mama, the same one from a few days ago. He felt annoyed at himself, tried to calm down, attempted a second time, messed up again and then freaked out. He yelled at himself in the mirror, "You better get this dance right!!!! You'll be finally taken seriously if you get it!" He looked himself in the eye, they were bloodshot, sunken back, his cheeks were starting to hollow out from the lack of nutrients. He couldn't see it though, it just looked like fat to him.

**2015.07.03 (Show: D2)**

**4:04 AM**

His practices were getting far too dangerous for himself now. After almost passing out three times within an hour, he decided to go home. That was kind of his alarm.

He was found out though, because Taeil had stayed up to wait for Donghyuck to come home. Donghyuck entered the dorm through the back door in the kitchen. He knew people would be more sensitive to noise at this time than at like 1 AM, that didn't stop Taeil from waiting up though. He heard Donghyuck's footsteps slowly coming through the house. He rushed to the kitchen from where he was sitting in the living rom. Their eyes met and for a split second Donghyuck couldn't breathe. After a second of shock Taeil started,

"And where have you been?" Taeil was already angry,

"Hyung I.....uhh...... I was just checking if someone had put out the trash," Donghyuck's brain was fried trying to think of excuses,

"Nobody's seen you since we left the practice room Donghyuckie, don't like to me," Taeil was really not having it, "I knew you would come home late like last night when I heard something banging on the walls."

Donghyuck was sure that everyone was asleep when that happened, "hyung, please, I'm really tired. I wanna go to sleep." He really did look like he couldn't go on for much longer,

Taeil looked concerned, "Go then, but stop doing this, coming home really late. I'm gonna stay up every night and wait for you to come home and if I think it's too late you better watch out!" Tough love, Taeil calls it.

Donghyuck just gave up and agreed. He trotted off to bed, still thinking he wasn't really good enough, that his body was weak for almost passing out multiple times. He lay in bed only thinking about how he needed to improved and work harder and harder everyday.

**6:00 AM (?)**

"Hyuckiieeeeee," Mark yelled right next to his ear,

As if lightning had struck, a jolt of shock ran all through Donghyuck.

"It's 6:30, we have to go soon," Mark moved to pick up his bag, "There's some toast in the kitchen if you want," Food......gross.

Donghyuck sat up and instantly regretted it. His head started spinning like he had a headache.

He almost had no energy whatsoever. He couldn't think, couldn't talk, he was focusing all of his energy on walking and keeping his eyes open.

The kids headed off to school for the last day of the week.

**10:35 AM**

Donghyuck had fallen asleep in class, completely exhausted from the night before. The teacher was not having a sleeping student in class,

"Lee Donghyuck!" said a loud voice directly in front of the sleeping figure. 'Deja vu?' he thought. 'I'm pretty sure I already woke up today', head still buried in his arms as he slept.

"Yah! Donghyuckie," His friend shook him from the side.

"Huh! what?!" His head shot up from the beauty sleep. He found the teacher right in front of him.

"Who do you think you are, sleeping in my class?" Donghyuck knew what was coming next and groaned.

"Please don't call my parent teacher," he pleaded, "It won't happen again,"

 The teacher gave a stern a look, "You really have some nerve don't you Lee Donghyck,"

Donghyuck knew he hadn't succeeded when the teacher just turned her back and stomped away.

The lesson continued and Donghyuck tried his best not to fall asleep again. It was the hardest thing ever to do but somehow, he did it!

Though, being awake meant thinking and thinking meant more energy which he didn't have.

**4:18 PM**

At least school was finished and now he could go practice. The trainees were waiting outside the school grounds because they were being picked up today by staff from the company. 2 black vans with SM Ent stickers all over pulled up and the back door of one them opened up,

"If your name is Lee Donghyuck, come here," A mysterious but familiar voice said, as the figure stepped out of the van.

"Oh god, what is it Taeyong hyung?" Donghyuck sounded annoyed,

Taeyong, being one of the oldest, got to have a phone, "Your parents rang me today, they said that you fell asleep in English today, is that true?"

Donghyuck had only the ground to look at, "....yeah" he said like he was scared,

"Why?!" Taeyong bursted, "Slacking off in the practice room and at school?! This doesn't surprised me!"

Suddenly, the thoughts of self doubt started to come back and hit Donghyuck right in the chest.

"Hyung I......" He stuttered,

"I what?!?" Taeyong retaliated,

"....I'm sorry hyung! He had nothing else to say.

After moment of awkward silence, Taeyong spoke up,

"Everyone get in the vans, we're going to practice,"

Now Donghyuck really felt he had to prove himself even if it meant he would exhaust his whole body.

**9:27 PM**

Home time!

Except for Donghyuck of course, but this time, someone else stayed behind as well.

"I'm gonna stay with you for a bit Hyuckie," Mark said.

"Uhhh...." Would this get awkward? Well there was only one way to find out, "Sure, I'll be here for a while though,"

"It's alright Hyuckie, we can practice together." Mark started approaching. "You know, if you ever need help, just ask. Me, the hyungs, anyone! I'm sure they'll help" He tried counselling the younger boy, which made him feel even worse actually,

"Hyung, I'm fine! I just need to practice more, I know I can get it!"

Mark let it slide, "Have you eaten at all today? You don't look too good," Mark started to notice Donghyuck's ever deepening cheeks,

"Yeah, don't worry about it, let's just get to practice please hyung." He was desperate to stop talking about it.

Mark could tell he was lying but really didn't know what to do about it so he just let it go.

**10:43 PM**

"Hyuckie, we should go now, it's getting a bit late and I haven't even seen you come home at all lately," Mark said,

Donghyuck looked at the wall clock "It's not even 11 yet hyung," sounded like he wanted to keep going,

"Hyuckie, you've worked hard today! You need to give yourself a break sometimes you know," Mark kept going on about it, "The show is less than two days away and you look like you've already got the moves to all the songs down! Don't you think you've earned a break?"

The thing is, he really didn't think that at all. He wanted to be better than what was actually possible. He wanted to be mentally stronger to be physically stronger, strong enough to withstand the pressure that we was feeding himself. Donghyuck exhausted himself from talking just now and just agreed. The two went home soon after. Donghyuck just didn't feel like he had given it his all on this day though, with going home so early.

At home, Donghyuck surprised everyone by showing up while everyone was still awake.

"Donghyuck???? Woaaaah I haven't seen your face around at this time in a few days now!" Jaehyun cutely remarked,

Donghyuck was too tired to even notice that Jaehyun was around, or anyone actually. All of the late nights and early mornings were finally catching up to him. He just needed to shower quickly and then get to bed.

He hit his bed hard tonight, the red digits said it was 10:56 now, really early for him but without even noticing, he fell asleep within seconds.

**2015.07.04 (Show: D1)**

**7:15 AM**

The alarm clock was only set to go off on weekdays so someone had to come wake Donghyuck up,

"Hyuckie, wake up," Mark whispered, so Donghyuck wouldn't be startled. A few shakes later and Donghyuck was woke.

Rubbing his eyes quite violently to wake himself up, Donghyuck sat up in bed, noticed the time and freaked out,

"Why didn't you wake me up earlier hyung?!?!?!" He was definitely not a nice person in the morning,

"I wanted you to sleep for as long as you could, you haven't been doing that lately," Mark's voice was calm, it felt condescending to Donghyuck,

"I'm fiiiiine, how many times do I have to tell you?!?!" Donghuyck flew out of bed to get ready for practice,

"What?? No honourifics? Have you forgotten who's older?!" Mark took authority, Donghyuck wanted that so they could start arguing,

"Just get out of my way, I'm having a shower," Donghyuck remarked, Mark was taken aback because even though Donghyuck was always a bit sassy, he was never rude to anyone. Mark just watched in disgust as the younger boy grabbed a set of clothes on the floor and left the room.

After Donghyuck's shower of the morning, he found the other trainees gathered in the kitchen, dining room, and living room, the dorm was an open plan concept,

"Donghyuckie, come and have some breakfast before we go to practice," Jaehyun offered,

"Yeah hyung, I haven't seen you eat in a long time," Jisung added,

"I'm not hungry, you guys eat. I'll be going now," Donghyuck bowed out of the dorm and left to go to the practice room.

The members were left to eat without him, they were kinda worried about it too,

"When was the last time anyone saw him eat?" Taeil asked the group,

"I think it was that night Doyoungie cooked that big roast pork?" Kun could've sworn it was then,

"Wasn't that a week ago?" Yuta was shocked,

"What about you kids? Have you guys been sitting with him at lunch?" Taeil turned his attention,

"Uhhhh.... actually... he's usually not around during lunch, we never see him," Jaemin responded. They just don't see him because he's usually sitting other people and sleeps at the table so that the other trainees wouldn't be suspicious of him not eating.

"What is going on with him?" Taeil mumbled to himself.

**7:54 AM**

The other trainees arrived at the practice room to find Donghyuck stuck into the dance routines, they had no objections and just joined in. What they didn't know, though was Donghyuck was still really low on energy, even though he had more than 8 hours of sleep last night, it just wasn't enough to make up for the amount of nutrients that his body had lost due to his poor diet habits recently to keep himself from getting fat.

Taeil knew that something was really wrong just by looking at him, his face was losing more weight than it actually had. His dark under-eye circles were glaringly obvious by now and he didn't talk as much, like he was always tired.

The members just minded their own business for now and started the day's practice.

**12:43 PM**

The members took a lunch break and wanted to actually see Donghyuck eat for the first time in a long time,

"Donghuyckie, come here," said a booming voice from the side seats. The members were all seated along the side, with only Donghyuck, Taeyong, and Ten in the middle of the room dancing. Donghyuck stopped dancing for just a second and stepped aside and let the music play to see what Taeil wanted,

"What it is hyung?" he asked,

"Eat with me. I haven't seen you eat in a while." Donghyuck was afraid of food at this point. It was as if anything he ate would make him fat.

"I'm not hungry right now hyung, you can eat, I'd like to keep practicing," his voice sounded really quiet and parched, he didn't notice though,

"Wow, Dohyuckie?! Actually practicing?! Is hell really freezing over?!" Taeyong stopped dancing to scoff and Donghyuck yet again.

Donghyuck went back to middle of the dance floor and started dancing to the music again. Taeyong's sarcastic remarks are really what push Donghyuck to go further and do what he thought was bettering himself when in reality, he was truly doing the opposite.

Taeil didn't want to do anything drastic because he knew Donghyuck was on the edge, almost at breaking point, more fragile than wet paper. He had think of something to get Donghyuck to just relax and not be so hard on himself.

**5:45 PM**

One of the managers of SMRookies came to discuss tomorrows schedule. The group was going to flown over to Japan in the morning at 8:00 AM and then taken to the venue to rehearse on stage, sound check, then backstage to prep for the night's show. Donghyuck was nervous but thrilled because he was about to prove himself to everyone and finally shut those haters up. He was so fired up and ready.

The group continued practicing for another hour and Donghyuck could not stop thinking about the sweet taste of conquer right on his tongue. He wanted it so bad. It was getting to him a little too much, eating him up from the inside. It actually slipped his mind that they were still practicing, his mind flew away with the thought of revenge on the haters that he messed up the dance for a good 15 seconds. In that time, others bumped into him and he was caught in the movement and was slammed by two bodies in the crossing. Before he realised too, he was being scolded. Someone was yelling, but the revenge on the haters. Someone was getting closer and still yelling, but proving himself to everyone was all that mattered. His concept of reality was altered by now, it took a vigorous push from the person scolding to span him back to the real world,

"You must think this is all just a joke, don't you Donghyuck?!" It was Taeyong of course.

Donghyuck had no idea he was being scolded, or even what he was being scolded for,

"You must not even care about the others here, right? Stop being so selfish and get it together!" Taeyong was really loud by now,

Donghyuck had only just snapped out of it and he was already in trouble? 'What did I do?' came to mind and he could've sworn he said it out loud but he probably didn't.

After a few seconds, his senses started to come back. He was back in the real world and he actually wanted to ask what it is that he had done but was too scared that he'd get into even more trouble for doing so. The members had stopped dancing and standing around now, waiting for Donghyuck to say anything.

Taeil, with a keen eye, knew that Donghyuck was clearly confused as to why the others were stink-eyeing him. He approached the younger trainee,

"Donghyuckie, you either need to concentrate or take a break. I'm not telling you what to do, but I think you should rest for a minute," Taeil's voice was calm so Donghyuck knew that it wasn't another scolding,

"Hyung.....what did.....what did I do?" Donghyuck asked with a scared voice,

"See, you don't even know, you're too tired. Take a break, even for a minute and just get it together," Taeil answered,

"I don't rest hyung! I need to know what happened!" Donghyuck snapped a little, not completely because he still had his senses about him,

"You forgot the dance moves and froze," Jaehyun quietly gave the answer, to which Donghyuck was disgusted with himself.

"What?!" Donghyuck grunted. He apologised and said he would be more focused now more than ever to make up for it. Taeyong liked the sound of that, too bad it was Donghyuck, the person that messes everything up that said that.

**7:05 PM**

It was to be an early night for the group so that they would be fresh and prepared the next day. The last run of the songs were taking place and Donghyuck was finally at the edge, he danced, and danced, and danced again, day after day, night after night, and finally after feeling dizzy for the last hour, the final song was Exo's Mama, he knew to concentrate extra hard on this one because it was always the one he had trouble with. He was dancing in the practice room but his body felt like it was in space, zero gravity. Like the clouds on the backdrop were real and he was flying, he could even see the stars. The song ended it but Donghyuck was far from finished. His body instantly continued dancing even after they held the final pose for 10 seconds, he moved away from the other birds and started flapping off, the other birds were chirping but the sound was getting further away every second. He could faintly see the sun zoom past, or was that one of the lights in the room? Reality was only a glimpse in Donghyuck's fading sanity. He noticed though that he was flying somewhere, like maybe downstairs? Nope, there was no feeling of descending. There was a toilet stall... Oh the restroom. Water. The tap? Water on his face. Drip. Drop.


	4. Losing against yourself

 

"Where did Donghyuck go? He was acting weird just before," Mark started asking everyone,

"Idk but someone has to find him, we're going home soon. I tried to stop him but he just ran off," Taeyong didn't even care, one 'Yah!' was all it took for him to stop caring enough to go after Donghyuck.

Mark took off to go look for him and after a few minutes ultimately opened the door of the mens restroom to find a passed out figure on the floor,

"ooohhhhhhh my god, Hyuckie!!!!!!" He panicked. He rushed over to unconscious body. He didn't know what to do, "Why is your face wet?" He asked the sleeping boy, He caressed Donghyuck's face as he moved to check his breathing and pulse. Everything was fine, it was if Donghyuck had just slept in the restroom. Mark slapped his face kinda gently to try and wake him up. This didn't work so he cupped his hands and ran the water in the sink, hovered over Donghyuck's face and opened his hands.

Donghyuck woke with an extremely painful look, like he had fallen from the sky and the ground hard. He found it hard to move his body so he just stayed lying down on the ground, not caring that it's the restroom. Mark felt a heart-warming sensation seeing his younger companion awaken,

"What the hell happened?" Mark immediately started the questioning,

Donghyuck couldn't have cared more about the situation and just told it how it was, "I guess I passed out, hahaha," like he was joking about his own health,

"Yah! It's not funny" Mark looked down as he was standing right next to Donghyuck, "You wanna get up?" He asked,

"Yeah, that'd be great thanks hyung," Donghyuck felt kinda refreshed after passing out that was until he stood up, was he flying again? He instantly looked dizzy,

"Woah, can you even stand up? You're so light" Mark worried that he was so weak from not eating at all,

"I'm fine, I just need a moment," He tried concentrating on staying upright first and foremost, and then walking, he leaned over the sink and let his head fall between his shoulders, "Please don't tell anyone hyung! Please! I can deal with this by myself" Donghyuck really pleaded with Mark about this,

After a second of thought, Mark walked up right behind Donghyuck and wrapped his arms around his stomach and waist,

"Just look after yourself please," Mark pleaded in return, Donghyuck's heart was racing as he remembered he had a crush on the older male,

"hyung, just don't tell anyone or I swear-" Donghyuck stopped himself in his tracks, he didn't want to say something he'd regret. Mark let himself off of the younger,

"Well when you're ready, come out. We're going home soon," Mark backed out of the restroom leaving Donghyuck to wash his face and get his mind together.

Just as Donghyuck was leaving, he heard something like a yelling sound but not an aggressive one, he made his way to the practice room and he was exposed by Mark to the rest of the group, who had exclaimed in disbelief,

"Lee Donghyuck!!" He heard a female voice behind him. Stopped in his path, he slowly turned around to see who it was that was that was scolding him this time. He turned and instantly entered the dragon's den,

"I hear you're feeling faint?" It was one of the trainers,

He obviously didn't want to out himself to everyone right then and there, but he didn't even have to do it,

"I found him passed out in the restroom, Miss," Mark had already did it. Donghyuck turned his head to Mark with the most aggressive look he's ever given. The members were standing behind Donghyuck in shock while the trainer started scolding the 15-year-old Donghyuck,

"What's wrong with you? Are you eating well and getting enough sleep?" The trainer already that this must have been the result of poor care of the body. It's happened enough times before to a lot of other idols for her be able to tell instantly. Donghyuck couldn't bring himself to tell her what he was going through but he really didn't even need to, "Everyone! Stand in the middle of the room in your lines," The trainer ordered, and the members followed without question. Donghyuck slumped his way to his stop and stood there, quietly.

The group was then taken through a 15 minute lecture about looking after your body and not letting the pressure get to you. It was definitely a redundant topic for Donghyuck to be hearing by now, this was like the 52nd time someone said stuff like this and it was getting old to be honest. Because of this, Donghyuck had virtually pulled his attention away from the scolding by staring at the floor the entire time. Before long, it was over.... on the trainers part. She had left the room to a disturbed atmosphere. But the one person who couldn't handle being scolded was of course Taeyong, the perfectionist.

Donghyuck had just brought his attention back up and Taeyong was already getting started,

"What the hell are you doing Donghyckie?!" He was as angry as ever and Donghyuck was really over it by now. He shrugged his shoulders at Taeyong and didn't say anything, "What have you been doing since you never come home and we never see you until you go to school in the morning?! Huh?!" Taeyong thought Donghyuck was slacking off as he used to, Donghyuck shrugged again because he couldn't be bothered explaining himself,

"I'm sick of you not doing anything right! Do you even feel like you're worth being here?!" Taeyong was cutting deep and Donghyuck could feel it. At this remark, Donghyuck felt more exposed and vulnerable, like he was just read like a book out loud to the whole class,

"Hyung, let's just leave it at that," Jaehyun stepped in, worried about Donghyuck, "He obviously gets the point," He defended Donghyuck,

Donghyuck still couldn't get over the shock of being outed like that in front of everyone. He felt afraid, as if the world betrayed him. He didn't feel a single soul connect with him, but rather disconnect and fell out of touch with him. His stomach turned and his chest ached like he wanted so bad to burst and run his mouth, but with the amount of energy he had, that wasn't happening any time soon, which made him even more afraid than he already was.

The members were told to go home by another trainer and to sort out the issue with Donghyuck as a group. So they all walked the way home, Donghyuck was exhausted but what else was new? By the time they got home, the members didn't even bother with Donghyuck and just let him be other than Mark,

**7:36 PM**

"Hyuckie, I'm sorry that I told them about what happened, they just had to know," Mark said as he was entering the room with Donghyuck already in. Donghyuck felt like Mark was the only who he trusted because of his blinding crush. That was over, cancelled. He didn't even bother speaking up and just continued sitting on his bed, looking off into thin air until Mark broke the awkwardness, "I'm gonna have a shower, please just rest," Mark was gone in a flash and Donghyuck was left feeling conflicted about his emotions. He was still angry at Mark but it's not like he can hate him, it's Mark! This made him just angry at himself for not knowing how he feels. There was only one thing he could do to make him feel at least the tiniest bit better and that was practice, but Mark had just now came back from his shower, Donghyuck must've been thinking long and hard for him to not notice Mark's absence from the room. Not wasting time, Mark dropped his things,

"I'm tired Hyuckie and I know you're exhausted so let's get some sleep for tomorrow's flight," he climbed into his bed, his hair was wrapped in one of those hot towels so it wouldn't leave a wet mark on the pillow, "Goodnight Hyuckie," not even expecting an answer if he was quite honest, he just always needed to say goodnight. He dropped in a few minutes and Donghyuck waited until he could hear deep breathing until he made his move. He removed himself from his bed and quickly packed a bag for their flight in the morning, he tried to be as quiet as possible and it worked. He then made a line for the door, leaving a sleeping Mark unknowing. He didn't get very far before he was met with people who weren't actually sleeping,

"Donghyuckie, are you going to the kitchen?" Ten asked, as he passed him by in the hallway, "If you are, could you tell Doyoungie to bring my books on the table?"  Donghyuck just nodded, "thanks" Ten kept on his way to his room.

After telling Doyoung, who has in the living room to bring Ten's books, strode off to the back door and quietly made his exit, hoping to the heavens that no one heard him leave.

On his way to the practice room, he really thought about what it was he was doing to himself, being to critical on things that should just be left alone and dealt with naturally, but it was only one more day away till the show and he wasn't gonna stop just yet. He set off to the practice room, more determined than he ever was.

**2015.07.05 (D-DAY)**

** 4:56 AM **

"Ummmmmmm, Hyuckie?" Mark said to the empty bed next to him, he couldn't see because he had just woken up so he was still trying to get himself in a position of comfort, "Hyuckie, we have to wake up now, the flight's in three hours." When he wasn't even getting movement responses he stumbled over to see what was up, "Hyuck-" His eyed bulged open when he didn't feel the weight of a body or the warmth on the bed. It startled him and sent his mind blank for a second 'where is he?!' he didn't even talk aloud. He ran out of the room but knocked into Donghyuck's bag that was sitting in the middle of the room. He stumbled over the bag and the clothes spilled out, it wasn't even zipped. He knew it was Donghyuck because it wasn't his. This made him worry even more. He took the bag out of the room with him to where he could see everyone moving bags and making beds in their rooms through their open doors,

"Has anyone seen Donghyuck?" It came out louder than he expected,

Taeil raised his eyebrows, "What do you mean? He's not in the room?" He stepped out of his room,

"Nah, this is his bag though, he must've went out when I fell asleep," Mark started sounding concerned,

without hesitation, Taeil spoke up, "I think I know where he would be," he hoped he was wrong though.

**5:14 AM**

A stomping sound like footsteps on a staircase got louder to Donghyuck's ears, the dream was realistic. It was as if it was lucid dream. He was conscious during a dream and it looked like he was with some people in a brightly lit room. What a weird dream. He could see him looking back at himself from a distance as he in the sky? 'What kind of dream am I having' he thought.

"Have you been here all night Donghyuckie?" Taeil questioned the half-sleeping figure. Taeil and Mark found him asleep in the practice room on the benches. They sat him up but he was so out of it he just slept while sitting up.

"Huh?" Donghyuck was still dazed,

"Hyuckie, what are you doing here?" Mark was trying to talk at a pace that Donghyuck might be able to keep up with,

"What?" He really abused his body with practice, he could hardly even move.

"Wake up!" Taeil snapped,

"Hyung! Don't scare him, it'll just make things worse," Mark scolded,

"Am I.....in the...... the practice room?" Donghyuck was finally coming around,

"Yes! yes!" Mark said in triumph, he sat down next to Donghyuck and tried to ease Donghyuck back once again!

It took a minute but Donghyuck fully woke up when the reality of 'I just slept at the practice room and got caught' hit him. His eyes opened quicker than a blink could count, he was hit with embarrassment and fatigue, it was a weird combination. He looked his hyungs in the eye and apologised profusely,

"Hyungs! I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have snuck out last night, let alone sleep at the practice room!" Donghyuck was mostly embarrassed because he got caught but that's just the reality.

"Don't worry about it! I'm sick of scolding you, you never listen anyway. Just get up, we gotta go to the airport in a hour." Taeil really could only half care at this point. He turned around a started walking out of the practice room, leaving Mark to walk him out of the room.

Donghyuck knew his ultimate failure was not listening to his hyung. He thought that he could just suffer alone, and that's usually how it would work if only he didn't have people who cared about him. Realising this, he asked Mark,

"Hyung..... Does anyone think I'm worth being here?" He didn't think he was worth it. Mark turned to the younger and ran the question again. He didn't have to think about it for a long time before reaching a conclusion though,

"Well you've been overworking yourself everyday for a week now, you spend the most time here, you only ever think about practicing, so I'd say you really do deserve being here," Mark had a calming voice on and a soothing aura about him. This sent relaxation flowing down Donghyuck's spine. To hear the approval of another was all he actually wanted, not to be perfectly fine with himself but to hear another person saying it felt better. That wasn't to say he was happy about himself though, he was almost there! Just another few more hours until the big show in Japan!

"Thank you for telling me thing hyung! We can go now, to get to the airport." Donghyuck's mind was scrambled, he could no longer think without feeling sleepy. He could no longer talk without needing to breathe for a minute after. Somehow though, he can dance and endure it...

Mark and Taeil helped Donghyuck walk home, and it was mostly Mark talking on the way home, while Taeil just listened and Donghyuck just walked, that was hard enough without having to pay attention to someone speaking.

"Stay out here for a second, I'll tell everyone to take it easy on Donghyuckie," Taeil didn't want anyone to take out any kind frustration they had on the young boy.

By the time Donghyuck and Mark walked in, nobody was speaking, it was eerily quiet as eyes were scattered around the living room staring at the two 15-year-olds catching their breaths. After some awkward glares were exchanged Taeil spoke up,

"We have to leave soon, everyone got their bags ready?" Taking authority as the hyung he made sure that everyone was ready for their trip in a couple of hours.

The members were picked up from the dorm at 5:45 AM and then driven to the airport. Checkin flew by, and now they were waiting for the boarding announcements. The group sat by the big glass windows were they could see the planes getting ready to take off. It was finally coming time for Donghyuck to prove himself, once and for all! He will finally have the last laugh! He couldn't wait and the excitement built up in him once again. It was getting up in Donghyuck's stomach, twisting and turning upwards, kinda like he was about to........throw up.....


	5. "Showtime!"

**7:06 AM**

"WTF!!!!!!!! HYUCKIE!!!!!" Mark oogled at the vomit erupting from his mouth. It was out of the blue too, so unexpected.

Donghyuck was hunched over and let it all out on the airport floor, it even got on the window.

"Oh my gaaahd" Johnny exclaimed,

"Someone get help!" Taeil ordered. Hansol took off to look for someone, anyone who would help. Luckily this is an airport, so there's always staff around.

He caught up with a woman wearing a name tag and had pinned up hair, she told him that the janitors are a bit further down and he ran off bowing as he left. A few minutes later, he returned with a janitor and his cleaning supplies, Mark had also taken Donghyuck to the restroom to clean up. As Mark held Donghyuck close, he opened the restroom door and headed straight for the sink. Without any given thought, he ripped out some paper towels and wet them a bit, squeezed it then wiped Donghyuck's mouth clean. This is the second time Donghyuck had to be cleaned up by someone else, embarrassing to say the least.

Mark finally opened up, "Are you feeling better or worse?" Judging from Donghyuck's heavy breathing he wasn't feeling good,

"I feel-" He gagged and flung his head in the sink.

Mark turned the water on in case there was another wave of vomit. Luckily, Donghyuck just breathed his way through spewing again. He washed his face in the running water and turned it off.

"What was that about?" Mark gave a helpless look, "You didn't look this bad this morning." Mark was right, Donghyuck had never looked more sick.

"I think it's the nervousness hyung, I....." He cut himself off because he didn't want to admit what he was thinking.

"You...what? Hyuckie? You can tell me," Mark's voice was really calm right now, he really wanted to make sure Donghyuck didn't feel pressured,

"I feel really embarrassed now hyung, I can't" Donghyuck was ever-so-slighty starting to tear up, but it obvious to Mark.

"Heeeey, you have nothing to feel embarrassed about Hyuckie, alright? Come here," Mark moved in on Donghyuck and closed his arms around his waist again just like last time. He rested his head on Donghyuck's shoulders and Donghyuck could feel the exhales come from Mark's nose. Donghyuck's heart instantly skipped a beat and his breath hitched. Mark felt like he was comforting the younger but the truth was he was making Donghyuck feeling even more nervous.

Donghyuck quickly broke the hold by moving over to the paper towel dispenser. He took out a few and wiped his face,

"Hyung, I feel better now, let's go," Donghyuck reassured,

"Hyuckie, are you fully sure that you'll be ok?" Mark held Donghyuck's shoulders,

The younger rolled his eyes, "Yeeeeesssss," he drew out.

Mark still wasn't sure about this but he had to take Donghyuck's word for it. The two exited the restroom and returned to the cleaned mess and sat there with the rest of the group. They waited for just under an hour until their boarding announcements appeared on the monitor. They moved quickly to get to the gate and then entered the plane. Donghyuck was seated between to Taeyong and Doyoung, but he was way too tired to notice or care. As soon as the plane took off and was levelled in the sky, Donghyuck slept the whole way to Japan.

**10:21 AM**

Just as expected, the group landed at Tokyo International Airport to a crowd of waiting fans, the turnout was awe inspiring actually. The boys as they were, already felt a bit more tired from resting in the plane, but Donghyuck was drained. The flashes of the fan cameras right in his face as they were walking to the waiting vans was overwhelming. Luckily though, he managed to keep it together until they hit the vans. Inside one of the vans, Donghyuck panted. His breath and heartbeat were irregular. The flashes of the cameras were causing him to freak out afterwards, a new phenomenon coming over him. He was trying so hard not to be so obvious about it, and trying to hide it as best as he could. He had to close his eyes and stop himself from blinking too often to avoid making his situation worse. He eventually just fell asleep in the van and had to be woken up by someone else.

At the venue, the boys had to do stage rehearsals to assure that they were used to performing on a big stage. They weren't in any particular clothes for the rehearsal so they were comfortable enough. The first song to be performed was a cover of Super Junior's - Sorry Sorry, Donghyuck was pretty prominent in the choreography too. They took their place on stage, "Lights!" A director commanded and then everything went white. Donghyuck could not see a thing and his vision was getting blurry. "Cue the track!" The director shouted next. It was like a TNT explosion right next to Donghyuck's ear, the speakers were so loud and annoying. Donghyuck could hardly concentrate on the front of the stage.

They danced to the song well enough, but by then end Donghyuck stumbled backwards just as they were about to strike the final pose. He kept striding backward and couldn't stop, his was trying to stand straight but the music and lights gave him a spinning headache. Because of this,  _SOMEONE_ got a bit huffy,

"I really wanna kick you right about now Donghyuckie," surprise, surprise, it was Taeyong,

"Hyung, I..... The lights," Donghyuck fell to the ground hard, Mark ran to his side,

"What about the lights Hyuckie? Are they too bright?" Mark helped him stand up, Donghyuck nodded in agreement and leaned on Mark for stability.

"Director-nim, can we please ease the lights a bit?" Taeil asked,

The director shook his head hard, "No one's gonna see you if we do that, just give him some medicine and he'll be alright," He suggested.

Taeyong ordered Donghyuck to do so, and Donghyuck really couldn't object because, again, it really doesn't work that way. Since when can someone younger disrespect an older person? So he headed backstage to ask the medics for some medicine. He was given 2 paracetamol tablets and a bottle of water and told to sit in his changing room. He took the pills and sat, staring at himself in the big mirror. Under his eyes were as black as night, and you could almost see his teeth through his hollowed cheeks. It was really getting out of hand. He started to think that maybe he had went too far, maybe he should've just listened to his hyungs and eaten with them when offered. Guilt started to shiver its way up his spine. Then he remembered the comments on that post from a week ago. The effects of that post lingered till the day of the performance. He then changed his mind to 'I'm gonna make everyone see that I deserve being here!' He reassured himself.

**4:24 PM**

What he wasn't sure about though was when he had fell asleep and how long he was sleeping for. He must have been sleeping pretty deeply not to notice the hoards of people flying in and out of the changing room and the other members already done up. Johnny approached,

"Donghyuckie, you're awake?" He kneeled down by the 15-year-old,

Donghyuck nodded and rubbed his eyes, "What time is it?" He asked,

"Time for you to get done up, the show starts in an hour and a half," Johnny rushed off as a make up artist came for Donghyuck.

Donghyuck, who sat in the same chair, had his make up done and he just had to change outfits.

After he had his make up and outfit on, he started talking to Mark, which was weird, he shouldn't even have the energy to,

"Hyung, I feel really better now, you don't have to worry about me, those pills were amazing," Donghyuck radiated this weird vibe that Mark could pick up on,

"Hyuckie, I know you don't feel good, you haven't eaten in so many days now, you should be keeling over," Mark snapped back,

"Really hyung! I feel so refreshed." Donghyuck jumped up and landed without getting dizzy. Mark waited a few seconds just to be sure that he wasn't faking this,

"........What? You feel fine?" Mark couldn't believe it,

"I told you hyung! I haven't felt better! Those pills work magic" Donghyuck chuckled and jumped again,

"....Hyuckie? What pills?" Mark shot a look of suspicion,

"I have no clue, something for my headache, I'm gonna need to have more!" This didn't sound too good,

"No Hyuckie, that's only meant to be a one time thing, just for your headache only" Mark placed his hand on the younger's shoulder and grasped it.

"What's wrong with taking more hyung?" Donghyuck honestly didn't know what he was talking about,

"Hyuckie, you could go down a lot of paths, please don't let it be the one with pills in it," Mark firmed his grip on the shoulder.

Donghyuck smiled, "Ok hyung, this will just be a one time thing,"

"Yeah! That's right!" Mark breathed.

Donghyuck hopped away, still cheery and had nothing but positive thoughts, like a high. It was just about showtime but even then, the SMROOKIES segment was in the middle of the show so they were on at about 7:00 PM. Donghyuck felt the high coming down hard. His head started spinning again and he had to take a seat. He thought about asking the ladies for some more pills but he knew that they would say no because it's not good taking too many pills in a short amount of time. Because of this, Donghyuck's perception of time had distorted. It was all of a sudden 6:50 PM, and they were 10 minutes away from going on stage. He was a nervous wreck, what if some of the people who commented on that post were in the audience? What if during their self introduction people cheered for others and booed for him? It was draining on him a lot at this point and he almost couldn't take it. The group stood around the entrance to the stage, Donghyuck was ready to perform but he really wasn't ready to face everyone. A crowd is different than a mirror. And before he even had time to think, an assistant cued the group and counted down for them to run out and greet everyone,

"10........." The haters are gonna be judging,

"9..........." There are about 100,000 eyes watching,

"8..........." This is for me

"7..........." This is to prove my worth

"6..........." I know I deserve to be here

"5..........." Well I think so

"4..........." Right?

"3..........." But what if other people don't think so

"2..........." They're gonna think I'm a failure

"1..........." They're probably right

"Ok........." I'm gonna fail

"Showtime!"


	6. "Is this enough?"

**7:04 PM**

Their intro song had just started pumping and the lights were cut so they could run onstage discreetly. They took their positions and Donghyuck was nervous and excited, but they all were to be honest. A few seconds passed and then Super Junior - Sorry Sorry had begun. The lights beamed up from above and down by the edge of the stage and they were all blinded but Donghyuck felt it the most.

'I thought I was supposed to feel better about the lights?' He thought as he thrusted his arms to the choreo.

He was performing for his confidence to be redeemed. For his point to be proved. For his teenage pride to be healed. The big stage felt alive with the performance. The fans were screaming their heads off and it felt unreal, it felt like the negativity had all gone away. The smiles on the members, and even some charismatic looks were enough for Donghyuck to finally feel that he was doing enough for his group. The song was performed to the highest degree, the fans could not stop and the stadium felt like it had all been set for a great night of performances.

Before long, the song had finished and the next had started, SHINee - Ring Ding Dong, just a few old hits, refreshed by a new generation. The crowd screamed even louder, and that was the highest point in Donghyuck's 15 years of life. The song finished as quickly as it started and the last song for the first set was EXO - History. The first was over and they had a few seconds to calm down before coming together to greet the fans. The rush was coming down on Donghyuck and he could feel his adrenaline coming down too. This time, harder that it ever had before. The lights dimmed a little and he just realised how bright the lights were and it made his head feel like it was crushing.

The group introduction was perfect and the crowd went wild. Now, self-introduction. He just had to be standing in the 4th spot to be saying hello,

"Hello!!!!!!!! I'm Yuta of SMROOKIES! I'm Home!!!!!!!!!" He bowed, smiled, and waved to his home country's fans. The screams were abundant.

"Hello, I'm Jisung" He awkwardly bowed, awkwardly smiled, and awkwardly waved. This cute kid was only 13. The crowd shared one big 'awwwww'

"Hello!!!!!!!! I'm Jaemin of SMROOKIES!" His toothy smile was coming out as he greeted everyone. The fans were screaming their heads off

'breathe first, you don't have to worry, it'll all be over quicker than you know,' Donghyuck waited a little for the screams to die down before starting.

"HELLLLOOOOO!!!!!!" That was his first mistake, he screamed it and instantly his head started spinning, "I'm Donghyuck... of...." He stopped and looked left and right before remembering their group name, "SMROOKIES!!! hahahaha" The awkwardness was unmissable. But the crowd didn't seem to mind that much coz the screams were still pretty loud even though Donghyuck's name was thrown for trash just a few days ago.

The introductions continued, and so did Donghyuck's headache. But, just then, one shrinking part of his body started growling and boiling. His stomach hadn't taken in anything but water, vitamins and those pills for days now. It was like it was fighting back. 'Are you kidding me? Onstage?! Whyyyyy?' Donghyuck had a conversation to himself in thought. The introductions were finishing up and then the group got to talk for a bit before their next set which was a relief for Donghyuck because his headache and now stomach pain was just going to get worse for sure.

His stomach twisted and turned, did flips, pulled on Donghyuck's insides and made him feel like he was losing his mind from the pain. He tried laughing at random things that the members were saying in hopes that it would die down, but it just wouldn't go away. Also, he looked like an idiot becuase Mark said, "It's really great to be performing in Japan," followed by a translation from Yuta and Donghyuck was laughing. It made for some awkward exchanges and conversations but Donghyuck was really far too pained to care about any of that.

The members joked around saying that Donghyuck was just really excited. Taeyong even laughed at the fact that Donghyuck was laughing. The older moved from his position to stand next to Donghyuck, wrapping an arm around the younger's shoulder and pulling him close to whisper to his ear,

"What are you doing?" He turned his head back to the audience smiling,

Donghyuck froze, he didn't know what to say to make it seem like he wasn't suffering just now. He turned his head to Taeyong's ear,

"Just trying to lighten the mood" He smiled back at the audience, to which Taeyong just looked at the younger and laughed a little,

"Don't try too hard, it's annoying," His grin was larger than life by now, trying to mask his condescending words as some friendly chat to the eyes of the audience,

Donghyuck, felt his stomach hit a new low and his head couldn't take it anymore with the thoughts that he kept rethinking every day, 'I'm not good enough' and the rest.

Taeyong kept his arm around Donghyuck as the conversation continued, he wasn't the least bit aware that the younger was suffering right now, but that's exactly what Donghyuck wanted. Nobody to worry about him, everyone just believing in him. Donghyuck looked around him, seeing the members smiling at the crowd, sweating a little, looking like they've actually made it. It felt refreshing to him knowing that they were loved by fans as a group, and for a few seconds, his physical pain disappeared, that was until the greeting's ended and their next set was about to start.

They bowed and the lights dimmed, the members moved to their positions for their original song, SWITCH. The music started and the lights had a strobe effect to them which made Donghyuck have almost an epileptic reaction to them. The song just began, but he was already feeling completely done. Luckily, the lights stopped flashing and they remained this nice shade of deep red, but the lights were only half of the equation, the speakers were breaking his eardrum. During the dance, he glanced over to Doyoung who was right next to him, and saw that even Doyoung got scared every time the beat hit. He was trying hard to just last a few more songs and he changed his mindset to determination. The next song was H.O.T - Candy. The crowd lost their minds when they heard the beat. It was just getting harder for Donghyuck to concentrate. His stomach cramp was breaking him and so was his headache.

The last song for the SMROOKIES segment was EXO - Mama. Donghyuck made himself focus in this one, he knew he could get it wrong so easily like in the practice room so he made sure to think about the second step while doing the first one. His thoughts couldn't get past his headache, like it was a barrier. Too many thoughts were happening at once, his stomach added to this. His body was breaking, his mind was collapsing. He forgot to lip sync his part so they were exposed for lip syncing. He moved to his next position. He thought about what he just did. He snapped, he screwed his brain together in frustration. The veins on his head were showing as he strained so hard,

'FUCK!' 

'I FUCKED IT UP'

'FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

'--------'

He broke.

First, blurry. Then, dizzy. Then flying. Then falling. Then sleeping.

**2015.07.06**

**1:12 AM**

_"Is he going to be alright"_

_"We'll have to keep an eye on him for now, his obs are looking a bit abnormal, but we'll have to wait until he wakes to take tests,"_

_"Yes, thank you doctor,"_

_"Well, what did she say?"_

_"She said he's not looking too good, but we'll have to wait until he wakes up,"_

_"God, what did you do Hyuckie?"_

**7:24 AM**

He woke up in a strange room, it was white, but with colourful paintings on the walls.

Next to him was Mark, he was sleeping on his chair.

He looked around the room as if hoping anything was familiar. It wasn't

He sat up on his bed, regretted it, then lay back down.

He talked to Mark from his bed, "Why are we here?"

"zzzzz"

"Yeah, it's pretty weird,"

"zzzzz"

"You're sleeping? C'mon man, get up, hahaha."

"Zzzzz"

He turned his head to Mark.

"MARK!" he screamed.

"A[a08ergh" Mark jolted in his chair. "Hyuckie's still sleeping," He said as if expecting it to be someone else,

"Yaaaah hyung! I'm awake," Donghyuck remarked,

"Yeah ok......" He started drifting back to sleep, ".......wait...." He opened his eyes again, "HYUCKKIIEEEEE!!!!!!!!" He also screamed,

"Hyung, not so loud please," Donghyuck laughed.

Mark ran from his corner to the bed, "Hyuckie! You're awake!" Mark was definitely relieved,

"hahahah yeah" Donghyuck smiled at his hyung who was his whole world, "But ummm, like......why  _am_ I in this bed?" 

"You uhhhh.....you kinda fainted last night at the show," Mark felt embarrassed,

"Woah, wait what? I thought the show finished and we went home?" Donghyuck was sure this happened,

".........what?"

"Awwwwwww maaaaaaan, did I really?"

Mark looked back up, "Yeah, but it's alright now, the doctors will be relieved that you're awake... OH YEAH! I should tell everyone, wait here Hyuc---" Mark just stopped realising the fact that Donghyuck really wasn't going anywhere.

Mark ran off through the door and left Donghyuck thinking for a couple of seconds. 

_How did it come to this point? Why did you do all of this? It's so pathetic. You're so pathetic, making people worry about you, look at you, you can't even look after yourself. You don't deserve being here, just quit........_

Even after all of this, Donghyuck didn't feel like he was good enough, it was a really sad sight.

The door busted wide open as the members rushed through with one of the managers and a doctor. The look of disbelief was abundant,

"DONGHYUCKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jaehyun screamed in excitement,

"PLEASE don't do that again!" Doyoung added,

"Yeah! That was scary, look after yourself," Jaemin encouraged,

The one person that was intently quiet though was the man himself, the beast among fairies, the alpha wolf, the perfection Lee Taeyong. He was left stunned at the sight of an unconscious boy, passed out from exhaustion and overwork.

Donghyuck was surrounded love here and reassurance that everything was gonna be alright,

"Guys, I'm gonna be alright. It happened before and everything worked out didn't it?" Donghyuck laughed,

"Did it? If everything worked out, would this have happened?" Mark was scolding him,

"Ok ok ok, I get it, you guys are worried, but I'm sure I'll be fine," Donghyuck reassured.

"Excuse me, I just need to get to his IV line," the doctor shuffled through the members,

"Watch out, she needs to get to his medicine," Yuta provided translations,

"Wait.....Are we still in Japan?" Donghyuck was confused,

"Well, I don't know if mid-air hospitals are a thing but they sure aren't in between Japan and Korea," Jeno joked, earning a laugh from everyone.

Yuta translated what the doctor said, "You were lucky that you passed out when you did, if you had been conscious for any longer and passed out later, the damage could have been irreversible," Hearing this, the group collectively gasped and Taeyong's eyes widened. Their 15-year-old joker could have had his dreams crushed right in front of his eyes. It made his rethink everything that he had done, said to, and said about Donghyuck because judging from his dedication to work until passing out twice was enough to prove to him that he was more than meets the eye.

The doctor and Yuta continued, "You'll have to stay here for a few hours, maybe even another night and then we'll get you ready to fly back to Korea,"

Taeyong's stomach hit a pit of regret, treating Donghyuck like this was too unfair. But Donghyuck looked visibly better and sounded emotionally better so maybe he really was gonna be alright.

The doctor made her exit, and the members bowed as she left. Taeyong took this opportunity to move closer to Donghyuck,

"Can you guys leave for a bit?" He asked, "I wanna talk to Donghyuck,"

"Come on everyone, let's leave them to it," Taeil commanded,

"See you soon," Mark said to Donghyuck as he patted his leg and left.

The door shut.

Taeyong kneeled down and held Donghyuck's hand,

"Hyung's sorry," He started, "I didn't realise what you were doing,"

"Hyung, I...." He was instantly choked up and tears to form in Donghyuck's eyes

"I shouldn't have treated you this way," Taeyong started tearing up too, "You work way too hard for yourself, please.... don't do this again,"

The tears in Donghyuck's eyes were so close to spilling, "Hyung, I never thought of you as being too much, you were my motivating me,"

This made Taeyong feel even worse, "Donghyuckie....... Please....." He started crying, "Please forgive me,"

Donghyuck was sent over the edge, he started crying, "Hyung! Don't do this, I'm gonna be alright,"

"Donghyuckie...... You're too....." He was finding hard to speak, "You're too......too nice... It's annoying," He tried joking about it,

Donghyuck laughed as he cried, "hhahaha, do you want me to hate you?" Donghyuck asked,

"Yes! Hate me! At least you wouldn't be killing me with guilt," Taeyong cried harder,

"I can't hate you! You've never done anything to make me hate you, you're just tough!" Donghyuck pushed their foreheads together as they cried as one.

"Donghyuckie, I really am sorry," Taeyong whispered,

"I forgive you hyung," Donghyuck didn't miss a beat with his response.

Jaehyun opened the door ever-so-slowly to see the two weeping in each other's company,

"Oh my god! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA" He cracked up. The two froze as they looked up to see Jaehyun.

"GUYS! COME LOOK AT THIS!!!!!!!" Jaehyun screamed to everyone just sitting outside, they rushed to the door,

"AWWWWWW CUUUTE!" Jaemin yelled,

"We leave the room for 30 seconds and then this?!??!" Jeno scoffed,

"Taeyong crying? wtf?" Yuta was confused

"Don't any of you misunderstand this! I swear to god!" Taeyong barked up. Everyone just laughed, even Taeyong.

Donghyuck felt like everything was gonna be just fine.

**11:42 AM**

"Yah! Donghyuckie! Have you seen the latest Koreaboo post? It's about you" Taeil walked through the door.

"Yeaaah yeah! I saw it on the phone that I don't own," Donghyuck's sharp tongue was a sign that he was getting back to his old self.

".......Is there a way we can reverse all the medicine?" Taeil asked Mark who was sitting on the chair. It earned a chuckle from his too.

"Just show me hyung," Donghyuck was curious,

"Here, it was posted 3 hours ago,"

 

"Ew, that's an ugly photo, why couldn't they have taken another one?" Donghyuck scoffed,

"Hahaha what's the point?" Taeil laughed, making Donghyuck swing at him laughing, "Hyung!"

They laughed it off, and Taeil left the room.

"Hmmm....Hyung?" Donghyuck turned to Mark,

"Yeeees?" Mark closed his magazine to turn his attention to the boy in the bed,

"Is this enough?" He asked,

"What do you mean?" Mark was confused,

"I mean......Is this gonna be enough for people to stop hating?" Donghyuck was still going on about that,

"Hyuckie," Mark stood up and approached the bed, "If this was enough to make Taeyong hyung cry, I think people will give you lots of love!" He held Donghyuck's hand and Donghyuck melted at the touch.

"Hyung..." Donghyuck's heart was beating hard, "....Thank you," he smiled,

"Anytime," Mark pulled Donghyuck in for another long and loving hug. Donghyuck was really getting back on the right track.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, it's done now. This is so depressing but I just wanted to do it.
> 
> Thanks for reading tho.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by my passionate hatred of idol health treatment~  
> And how idols seem to just accept everything netizens have to say .-.
> 
> /dead/


End file.
